Saturday, March 6, 2010

Live Blogger: Mayor Briefing, 2010.03.03, Part 2

And now, the conclusion.  We suggest you read this after 3 drinks into happy hour:

Another white sheet!  News flash from Jacques:  folk are suspicious of public folk!  Jacques invoking Al Gore's lockbox!  The money is locked until Franklin is resolved, EMS is resolved, Bridgett is resolved, so you won't see a dime in your lifetime.  Difficult.  Very difficult.  Cash versus value.  Did he say difficult again?  New drinking game, every time Jacques says "difficult".

Now comes Crutch.  He looks worried.  Never had to commit fraud before.  And this is in front of a camera.  This could be his career.  Right here, right now.

Now Jacques talking about car financing.  Calls it David's idea so he can point back to this video when the FBI shows up later this Fall.  Auto financing?  This will get interesting.  Jacques senses David's fear, joins him on the floor, can't let him die up there.  Now David is very confused.  Looks like an RPSO deputy just found meth in his wallet.  Can't stay on story.  Jacques to the rescue, "You want the Cadillac?  It's your choice."

We need to put this in the time capsule under "looney tunes" for later generations.  Crutch says you can't have cake and eat it too.  This deal is not available in court.  Ronco, Ronco, Ronco.  Now Crutch saying he doesn't know if we got back 8 proposals, maybe 6, so Jacques has been lying about the 8 and Crutch just told everybody.  Hello, FBI, were are you?  Crutch needs a bathroom break.  Bad.  He doesn't have to lie this often and its killing him.  He'd rather be in a back room making a deal, now he's got to sell it to the public.  Not David's thing, but its worth it for the state pension he's pulling.  David up and tells Jacques he's throwing around too many numbers.  Nice way of saying, "You are crazy Jacques.  Pipe down you crazy fool.  Do you have an off switch?"

Another sheet!  Jacques writes that he is 100% for cash rebate of ratepayer losses if that's what the people want (what cash is he talking about because there isn't any cash).  "Nothing down and zero percent interest or a big ole rebate!"  Good golly.  Huey Long didn't take this much effort to sell "Everyman a King".  Jacques and David are living proof why shysters always make money.  There are dumbies born everyday and elected to public office.

Finally some questions.  Bret McCormick has been subject to an Amway marketing pitch for 50 minutes and he's still awake.  Jacques makes the cruelest statement possible by telling Bret that Bret has come a long way.  Unbelievably demeaning to Bret.  Does Jacques realize what jerk he is?  That was just an incredible jerky thing to say to a professional or a human being.  Jacques doesn't answer Bret's question.

Jacques mimes drums on the podium.  I wish he were a mime.  He wouldn't be talking.  That would be awesome.  Jacques thinking he just hit a homerun.  Jacques is Legend.  Jacques thinking Bret is awed by his extreme talents.  Bret can only dream of being this awesome.  Now Crutch babbling again.  Country boy making no sense.  Bret asked a 20 second question, Jacques and Crutch have been answering for 5 minutes.  Jacques could talk Castro to death.  Call the CIA.  New mission for Jacques to Cuba.  If that doesn't work out, plan B is circus mime.  If we don't get rid of Jacques, Alexandria will look like Havana soon.  We'll all be eating beans and running around in muscle shirts (I know, too late).

Bret struggles to get a 10 second question through the Jacques-a-phone.  Impossible.  Now Crutch saying the results of the study of upgrade cost will be $43 million.  Talking taxes, the $43 million is really $58 million.  It will be $108 million by the next Jacques M. Roy show.

Back to Jacques.  He has to have the last word.  The last 1000 words.

Now the levees.  Talking talking talking.  Tom Ed McHugh knows how good Jacques is.  Just ask Tom.  Tom will tell you how brilliant Jacques is.  Does Tom have to spend more than 4 hours with Jacques per year?  Now Bret pisses Jacques off by bringing up Jacques Barack.  Blogs bad!  Too much truth!  Must find this evil Jacques Barack!  Jacques is sad that the TT is getting the truth from blogs.  Admits that Levee District has known about these problems for a long time (Hello, FBI).

Jacques getting all philosophical with, "The Corps will do what the Corps will do."    Jacques calls out Coco.  Coco is evil.  If Jacques could drive over to a blog station and shut Coco down, he'd be heading there at 100 mph right now.  Jacques says the city is basically a blue collar pole dancer working for big time madam.  Jacques admits the Levee District entered into a PAL agreement with Jacques.  Jacques keeps coming back to this point because every time he denies the city was responsible he hears how stupid and unbelievable it sounds.  (The city signed a PAL agreement for goodness sake!)  Trying again.  Still can't shake the stink.  Oh, forget it, just attack the blogs.  Blogs bad!  Too much truth!  Jacques telling Bret, I know you're referring to Jacques Barack and you should be ashamed at uttering the truth in my presence.

Now the hotels.  Jacques hopes the hearing disposes of the issues.  They won't.  Cap one should be ashamed of themselves.  Cloudy title.  Cap one wants us to settle the claim and Jacques Roy will not pay for something we own.  But Jacques Roy will pay $500,000 for toiler paper rolls, tiny bars of soap, chairs.  Jacques will now explain how bankruptcy works.  Class is in now in session.  Bankruptcy skews values.  Now Jacques admits the hotels are worth zero, but he will hand over millions of taxpayer money to somebody else.  Schools out.