Thursday, March 25, 2010

Live Blogger: Mayor Tootsie Roll Briefing 2010.03.24

Jacques decided to wear a jump suit to the briefing.  Mayor Tootsie Roll!  T-T-T-Tootsie Roll!  Man, is he looking bad.  Jacques and Ro must be eating at the same buffet.  What they serving at Fire Mountain, Jacques?  Roly poly in a jump suit.  Looking kinda sad.  Look like Ken Luneau gave Jacques a chemical lobotomy.  Look like he want to just curl up inside himself and hide from the media.  Must have looked at the polling numbers for his shot at Rodney Alexander's seat.  Jacques pollster said his numbers were so bad he couldn't beat Rob Blagojevich.  Also, 9 out of 10 respondents prefered Blago's hair to Jacques.

Jacques turns the meeting over to Bret.  Bret wants to know if the HIP term sheet has been signed.  Jacques has no idea.  Thats what he said.  He has no idea.  Jacques has been so busy driving around town in his $60,000 Mercedes and looking at his polling data that he has no idea if the term sheet has been signed.  Jacques says Trey the Parrot has assured him that there were no deal killers.

Bret asks the difference between an MOU and term sheet.  Man, Bret must enjoy self-inflected wounds.  Jacques loves questions like these, it gives him an open ended opportunity to talk and talk and talk.  Class is in session!  Bret will now have to listen to Professor Jacques.  Jacques says there has to be a closing before HIP sees any city money.  Jacques says HIP has already spent "high 5 if not 6 figures on this project".  That money was just HIP's entertainment budget for Jacques.  Jacques can eat a lot.  Jacques says HIP needs to "Show us the money as the movie says."  We know he really has it on his mind because he and Quasi read Jacques Barack everyday.

Bret asks how much money the city will spend on closing the HIP deal.  Jacques says $60,000, which is what his Mercedes cost.

Bret asks how much of the $50 to $60 million of the HIP deal will the city pay?  Jacques says he has no idea until the financing is done.  Talking, talking, talking.  This is Jacques survival mechanism.  Honest men would say they don't know and move on.  Jacques hypnotizes his victims with mindless babble.

Jacques says the Fulton is worth nothing right now.  Why should we care if an independent appraiser say is worth $3.1 million?  If Jacques says is worth nothing, then its worth nothing.  Hey, Jacques, why don't you give your $60,000 Mercedes as a "non-cash" donation to the Sheperd Center?  What do you think about non-cash donations then, Jacques?

Jacques says HIP has to spend $35.9 million before the city will give it the Fulton.  Jacques says HIP will only have to pay the fuel cost on the Fulton utilities.  Why can't we get this deal?  Jacques says this utility rebate is worth up to $500,000.  So HIP gets a rebate and we get the shaft.  Thanks Jacques.

Jacques told Bret he had no idea what the deal would cost, now he says $1.1 million cash, $3.1 million "non-cash" donation of the Fulton to HIP, a guarantee to build a $7.5 million parking lot, $4.3 million town square improvements under SPARC and up to $2 million to the Riverfront Center.  Sounds to us like Jacques is putting the city on the hook for $18 million dollars.  That's more than half of the $35.9 million.  Jacques, did Country Boy Crutch run those numbers for ya?

April Fools!  Jacques expects HIP to turn a profit in April.  That's the funniest thing we heard all night.  Jacques doesn't say what will happen if HIP doesn't turn a profit, but we'll guess it would be some kind of a violation of the lease.  Jacques says UDAG funds will allow him to operate the Fulton through July.  Jacques says blogs bad.  Jacques hates bloggers because we can do simple math.  Jacques says he didn't pay any architects.  (Anyone with information on the architects deal please email us at  Jacques says Bret shouldn't read blogs.  We didn't use taxpayer monies.  Kept our word 100%.  UDAG runs out, Fulton is a roach motel.

Jacques challenges Bret's reporting skills.  Jacques get up in Bret's face and tells Bret to step it up and do some really good reporting.  Why didn't Bret just throw a pencil at his little bi*** a**?  Jacques says there are other funds besides UDAG available, but he won't tell us.  This is transparency, Jacques?  Jacques says he doesn't want a run on his Secret Sugar Daddy.  Jacques felling superior right now.   He just gave us a hint of his genius.  We would be godsmacked if he exposed the full extent of his genius.  He is shielding us from our own small minds.

Jacques can't help himself.  Ken Luneau is waving his arms and trying to shut Jacques up, but Jacques can't help himself.  Jacques is dying to shove a knife in Larvadain's back.  A little voice in Jacques head says No! Ken Luneau says No!  But Jacques not listening.  Jacques guesses that Larvadain was the no vote on the bank vote.  Jacques, you wouldn't have to guess if you had been in attendance like you shoulda been.  Yeah, Jacques, you would do great in D.C.  Those guys would just love to work with your arrogant a**.