Friday, March 19, 2010

Dr. Evil Puts Choker Collar on Mini Mayor 2010.03.17

Jacques looks tired.  The newness of his $60,000 Mercedes has worn off and he's been reading too much Jacques Barack late at night.

Jacques is reading from a script.  Ken Luneau is keeping Jacques on a tight leash.  He gave Jacques a written script with instructions not to deviate.  Jacques head has not moved off the page since he got the mic.

Ken Luneau is like Dr. Evil from Austin Powers.  Jacques wants desperately to look up but he remembers Dr. Evil telling him, "Don't deviate Jacques, just read the damn script!"  If Dr. Evil said it once, he said it a thousand times.  Dr. Evil got red-faced and couldn't hold back from saying that he should be making a lot more than $50,000 to deal with Jacques big mouth.

Jacques talking about SPARC.  Its awesome.  It does everything.  Swiss army knife of public planning.  Bunch of SPARC stuff going on Thursday.  Talk of coalescing.  Oh, now talk of catalytic.  Is this how Jacques fools the council?  Baffle them with his word of the day calendar?

Jacques looks up, leaves the script. (Warning! Danger!)  In the middle of talking about SPARC, he mentions that the city's 2011 sales tax revenue will decrease 8.5%.  Big problem.  Uh-oh.  Jacques admits that he's guessing for answers.   Jacques says he's 6.6% under 2010 budget.  Only used $1 million of the $4.6 million of the city surplus that he said he was going to use.  Jacques wants us to think that this is a win for city taxpayers.  Why you using any of the surplus, Jacques?  Why you runnin a bunch of empty hotels?  Maybe the surplus could pay for our utility rebates.  Why don't you give us the surplus instead of livin it up on your Macdaddy expense account, Mayor Bling-Bling?  We want our rebate check, Jacques!  Now Jacques says he's doing his part, the economy just sucks.  The economy sucks so bad, that Jacques just bought a $60,000 Mercedes.  That's how bad the economy sucks for Jacques.  Jacques idea of a bad economy is switching from Gran Patron to Patron Silver.  Yeah, tough times for Mayor Bling-Bling.

Jacques enters dumbest quote of the year contest with this doozy.  Says he wants to spend money on SPARC projects that create jobs and not SPARC projects that call for additional city employment.  Jacques just contradicted himself in the same sentence again.  For the thousandth time.

Oh, now we get why Jacques is talkin' poor.  He don't want to pay the po-po and firemen.  "Unanticipated" $2 million shortfall for po-po and firemen pensions.  That was as unanticipated as tomorrow's sunrise.  Whaddya bet there's a letter from 4 years ago floating around that says this was coming?

Jacques now saying there is a third issue over which he has no control.  He's just a spectator watching the show.  What happened to Paul Carty's Alpha Dog?  He says he knows everything, but when the sky rains turds, he has no control.   Another $1 million shortfall for city health insurance.  All together, a $8.5 million shortfall.  You have no control over your budget, Jacques?  Do you realize what a little ***** you sound like?  A little ***** that rides around in a $60,000 Mercedes.

Jacques just gave a briefing in under 10 minutes.  This is historic.  Dr. Evil is the Man.  Dr. Evil may need a pay raise.

Now Bret McCormick.  What about the full hiring freeze?  Jacques is taking 5 minutes to answer a 10 second question.  Jacques is dreaming of a private sugar daddy to save the city.  Does he realize what a little ***** he sounds like?  Where's the Magma guy and Canadaville?  Maybe he would buy naming rights to the city.  We could be phase II of Candaville.  No more free trash bags.  Attrition.  Attrition.  Now defining attrition.  Jacques comparing himself to Jindal, other mayors.  This makes Jacques seem presidential.  Jacques reminds us that we are lucky we have Jacques and we shouldn't forget it.

Jacques says his budget last year was the leanest budget in the history of the city.  Yep.  That's what he said.  No joking.  Jacques not satisfied with that lie.  Now Jacques must top his own greatness.  This year's budget will be even leaner than last year's budget.  Jacques keep this up and the po-po will be ridin bicycles.

Jacques talking about balanced budgets.  Jacques says congress doesn't have to play by the same rules.  You can hear the jealousy in Jacques voice.  Jacques wishes he was Rodney Alexander.  Get him a home in D.C. where Jacques belong.  Goodbye A-town, hello West Wing.  Make Obama work for Jacques.  Make Obama fly Jacques around like Kucinich.  All those working lunches.  He'll be on C-Span!  Everybody will hear his word of the day sound bites!  And the staffers he can hire!  Young female staffers who like the sound of coalescing and catalytic!

Bret asking about budget approval.  Jacques taking 3 minutes to answer a 5 second question.  Bret should just submit these questions to Dr. Evil and Dr. Evil could give us quick answers.  Dr. Evil's answers would be BS too, but a lot less wordy BS.  Jacques giving TW Thompson some props.  Public Works is the Make It Happen division.  Jacques sending a message to all his staff that they better pony up some cash for his campaign or else.  TW Thompson is the $1475 man.  For the low low price of $750, David Crutchfield could make the Finance Department the Make it Balance Using The Surplus division.

Bret asking about relocation of fire station number 4.  Jacques admits that all good ideas in his administration started under Mayor Randolph.  Bret makes fun of Jacques, says the idea "predates" Jacques administration.  Bret has no idea what retaliation he will face in the coming weeks for making that comment.  The Kracken has been unleashed.  Jacques senses the slight, makes sure Bret knows that the idea blossomed under Jacques wing.  Without Jacques, nothing is possible.

Jacques mentions RRABB.  Jacques knows RRABB.  He used to pick up a paycheck from there.  During Jacques time at RRABB, they did nothing to maintain the Bayou Rapides and Bayou Phillips levees, but Jacques wants us to think that was FEMA's fault.

Jacques mentions Pan American ($2250) and Tom David ($700).  Another big donor!  Says Bret should talk to Tom David about fire stations.  If anything is wrong with the fire stations, Jacques will say he know nothing about fire stations and will claim it is all an insurance company conspiracy.

Jacques leaves in a hurry to met with Jindal so he can act like a statewide playa.  Jacques has places to go and peeps to see in his new $60,000 Mercedes.