Champagne And Cocaine. And Crime.

There's nothing wrong with cocaine if you think you are one of the greatest people that ever lived. There's nothing wrong with cocaine if you think it makes you more productive.  I'm not saying those things are true, but I am saying that cokeheads always come up with some excuse that doing lines is OK.  Just like there's always an excuse for dating a woman outside your marriage.

So our unclassified city employees may be having some wild parties at city hall?  Who cares as long was the city is running right?  That's the problem.  This city isn't running right.  Why?  Because the people we elected to run the city have been partying and not working.  This is also why we've seen crime spike so high in the last few years.  When the mayor is always breaking the law, it gets more and more difficult for the police to punish behavior that is OK for some but not others.  Want a city that works and has less crime?  Then vote for a new mayor.

The Dynamic Duo Of Do Nothing Good

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum?

Mini Mayor's Dysfunctional Family of So-Called Executives

Lamar "working"

The second highest reading on the Mini Mayor Misery Index is Lamar White.  But it's not just Lamar White, its the entire dysfunctional family of city executives that Mini Mayor hired.  Do you think these people do any work?  They don't.  Kay Michiels has spent her last 6 months shaking down contractors for contributions to the Mini Mayor for Mayor campaign fund.  How else you think Mini Mayor could buy that billboard?

What is Kay Michiels' job?  Mini Mayor needs money.  No problem.  Call a bunch of city contractors.  South Alexandria needs Sugarhouse Road?  Forget about it.  But you can trust Madiba when I tell you that Kay Michiels does "work" after hours.  I hear its here best "work".

Can anybody tell me what Chuck Johnson does besides flirt with contract attorneys and run up big expense reports?  Champagne and cocaine.  Is it true that the men's restroom on the second floor of city hall says Chuck spends his PM with A.M.?  Whatever could that mean?

Mike Marcotte might as well work for CLECO.

David Crutchfield has another fulltime job and is rarely at city hall working.  Check the records if you don't believe Madiba.

Lisa Harris - Jack of all Trades, Master of None.

Lamar.  Do I even need to add anything?

And then there's Mini Mayor himself.  If a camera isn't on, he ain't "working".

The Bachelor Producers Respond

Dear Chuck the Wild Buck,

We are in receipt of your letter and we must say that you caught our eye. In a kinda low budget way.  Really low budget.  We thought we'd check up on you and we hired a private investigator to look into your background. Please don't be alarmed, this is part of our checklist for all of our contestants. Alexandria being a small town, we called the mayor and he recommended his cousin to do the investigation. Maybe you know this guy who is the mayor's cousin?  He said the mayor pays him to make files on everybody in Alexandria.  Cause he didn't do any legwork, just started telling us all about you.  He seemed to know a lot of details about who and what goes down at city hall after hours.  As a result of this background check, we are sorry to inform you that the results of this investigation have disqualified you from appearing as The Bachelor. Our policy is that we do not accept applicants who identify with open marriages, weird fetishes, tranny or homosexual relationships (not that there's anything wrong with that).  We thank you for your interest and hope that you will be watching Season XV.

The Producers of The Bachelor

How To Act At A Candidate Forum

Politically Dead Man Walking

The Men of Kappa Alpha Psi are holding a mayor's forum at city hall tonight.  We offer this advice to Mini Mayor on how to improve over the last forum where he lied and politically died. Ken Luneau charges $300 an hour for this advice, but we doing it free of charge.

1)  Show up.  This is really important.  If you want to look like you care, then attend the event.  Don't turn your nose up like you did the NAACP.

2)  Sit where you are supposed to sit.  This  shows that you have respect for your hosts and that you can follow the rules.

3)  Don't argue with the moderator.  See #2.

4)  Don't act like African Americans make you sick.  There are 4 other candidates in the mayor's race.  They are all African Americans.  You will probably have to sit next to one of them.  If you have to, grin and bear it so you don't look like the racist you are.

5)  Don't bring Bradley the Bodyguard.  He makes you look like a paranoid little freak of a hairball.  And reminds us what a coward you really are.

6) Don't have Bradley the Bodyguard throw the camaraman out the room.  See #5.

7)  Don't have Kay Cell throw the camaraman out the room with your wife there.  Very disrespectful to your wife.  Careful were your eyes are when Kay Cell walks around the room.

8)  Don't make your staff take seats from citizens who want to see the candidates.  Shows how scared and paranoid you are.

9)  Don't tell any lies.

10)  Forget 1-9.  No way you can NOT do any of this, so just skip it and start your midnight staring into the mirror a little early tomorrow night.

The Bachelor Season XV Is Auditioning

SEASON XV
MOONPIES OVER MIAMI MINI MAYOR

Dear Producers of The Bachelor,

I want you to know that I am a young, healthy really good looking and put together dude that you should consider for your next season of The Bachelor.  I am also super smart.  Just ask CLECO.  Or Cap One Bank.  I am also newly single, so this brotha is ready to mingle.  My interests are playing mah jong and solitaire and I do like late nights with the ladies.  Champagne and cocaine are the way to a women's heart.  I really like to date women that work under me because I have a god complex, at least that's what my second wife said.  Women who are my equal are too much of a threat to me.  But women are really secondary to me anyway.  My life motto is "Bros before Hoes".  At least I have my priorities straight.  I know that a $100,000 dollar salary is not a lot compared to your other bachelors but I live like a king on the city expense account.  I can have whatever I want whenever I want.  If you want a show with some ratings, give this playa a hollaback.

Chuck the Wild Buck

Montana Fishburne Wants To Film In Alexandria

Heh Alexandria. Maybe y'all heard about me? I grew up in a Hollywood mansion, but I'm a round the way girl. I'm a be a big star. Fo sho. I heard about them wild parties that y'all have down at city hall in Alexandria. I like wild parties so I'm a swing by Alexandria and meet the playas down there. I heard y'all got some newly single high salary attorneys that like to throw wild parties. My manager says there's also lots of good tax credits for filming in Louisiana. My manager says we gonna make lots of money and I'm a be a big star.  Next stop on the Montana tour - Alexandria. Are you a playa? If you are, dial up the mayor and tell him you want to be in Montana's next film. There could be some coin in it for ya. I heard ya'll losing jobs down there. Don't worry, when Montana is around, there's always a job to be done.

Chuck Johnson Is Back On The Market

Chuck Johnson is back on the market again, ladies. But then again, the word is that Chuck Johnson was always available for the ladies or anything else that crawls. Commitment is for chumps. Wild after hours parties at city hall are much more rewarding than a successful marriage. The only question left is, who's gonna be the attorney for Chuck Johnson? Payment could be a problem after the October election. Chuck, if you gonna represent yourself, please brush up on your knowledge of the law. You can start here.

Where Was Kenny?

Kenny advising Ro Jo

Mini Mayor's political clout is crumbling like  Sugar-house road.  In Mini Mayor's moment of greatest need, Kenny AKA Dr. Evil abandoned Mini Mayor. You don't think Dr. Evil is jumping ship to Ro Jo, huh? Eyewitnesses have reported to us that this was the scene at city hall:


Kay Cell (running around): Anita! Where's Ken!

Anita: Maybe in his office? Or Lamar's office?  He didn't leave a forwarding. Maybe try his cell phone.

Kay Cell: I'm watching the closed circuit feed and Jacques is dying!  Do you have the emergency med pack?

Anita:  You mean Jacques Lithium, Kay?

Kay Cell:  Well I'm not talking about the f****** bandaids Anita!

Anita:  Jacques took the emergency med pack away from me.  He accused me of stealing some of it.

Kay Cell:  (gasp)

Anita: (ignores Kay Cell and returns to opening mail)

Kay Cell: (running through the halls) Ken! Are you here? Lamar?

Mike Marcotte: (steps into hallway) Kay, if you're looking for Lamar, he's "working from home" (makes air quotes with both hands) again today.

Kay Cell: (heavy sarcasm) Great, Mike! Hope your game of Mah Jong goes well for ya!

Mike Marcotte:  Whatever Kay.  Good luck with Sugarhouse Road or Stockyard projects.

Kay Cell: Chuck! Chuck! Somebody! We've got to save Jacques! Ken is MIA!

Chuck Johnson: (awakens from napping and steps into hallway)  What's all the noise?

Kay Cell: Jacques is in trouble! His talking himself into a hole and Ken isn't there to hit the KILL switch!

Chuck Johnson: Hmm. I wonder if Ken is still with Ro?

Kay Cell: What do you mean! Why is Ken talking to Ro?

Chuck Johnson: They meet almost everyday now since about a month ago. Have you tried calling or texting Ken?

Kay Cell: Ken is blocking my calls and texts after "The Incident".

Chuck Johnson: Oh, yeah, "The Incident" (smiles).

Kay Cell: Chuck, don't laugh now. Call Ken.

Chuck Johnson: (still smiling about "The Incident") OK, OK. Here, look, I'll text him. "WRU@"

Chuck Johnson: Hmm. That's funny.

Kay Cell: What?

Chuck Johnson: I got an auto reply back. It says, "Ken Luneau is busy working on the mayor's race and will not be available until after 2".

Kay Cell: How could Ken be working on the mayor's race if he's with Ro?

Chuck Johnson: Hmm. (cracks a wide grin) Well, it's time for lunch! See you later.

Kay Cell: Poor Jacques. He really needed Ken today. Jacques is really gonna need a pick me up to get over his briefing.  I don't think the Lithium can do it.  I'll have to think of what I could do to cheer him up. This afternoon is gonna suck.

Employees Do Fear Reprisal

Mini Mayor's Two Mouths

Mini Mayor is a lying hypocrite.  Mini Mayor was talking the other day about how employees shouldn't fear reprisals for afterhours activities.  Yeah, OK, whatever.  Here's what Alexandria employees do fear:

Speaking out against Mini Mayor about anything

Calling into a radio station that Mini Mayor watches like R. Kelly watches kids at a daycare

Publicly speaking out about Fetal Freddy blogging all day at work and taxpayers paying for it

Publicly discussing the sleeping around at city hall and Mini Mayor's affairs

Publicly discussing the messed up Half Moon Productions movie "deal" and the utter stupidity of Bill Hess

Publicly talking about Ken Luneau and Mini Mayor ghost writing articles and editorials for the Clan of the To-To

Publicly disclosing the messed up details of the HIP deal

Publicly speaking out on Mini Mayor's staff free lunch program paid for by taxpayers

Publicly speaking out about Mini Mayor's backroom meetings with Cleco

Revealing details of the messed up closed door meetings of the city council

We could go on, but you get the point.  Mini Mayor wanted Fetal Freddy to print that hit piece on EMS, but when Ken Luneau found out about it, they shut it down.  Listen to what Fetal Freddy is telling you.  That is what Mini Mayor is saying to Fetal Freddy.  It was no mistake what Fetal Freddy wrote.  It would be a mistake if any Alexandria employee wrote something less than worshiping His Most High and Hopeless Mini Mayor.

JB Readers Respect Matrimonial Bonds

Does Mini Mayor or his staff?

WHICH OF THESE IS WORSE -

Cheating on pregnant wife	24 (88%)
Political parody of fundraising wife	3 (11%)

Change your vote

Votes so far: 27
Poll closed

Everybody Know Mini Mayor Was EMS Attorney

Hi!  I'm Chuck Johnson's Dream Date!

Mini Mayor is up to his old tricks again.  Mini Mayor is the most ethically challenged person we know and he has surrounded hisself with yesmen and other ethically challenged persons.  Thursday night Mini Mayor sent Charles "Marshmellow Chuck" Johnson out to lie for him. Marshmellow Chuck told everybody last night that Mini Mayor never worked for EMS.  Bulls***!  Everybody know different.  If Mini Mayor is going to lie about something everybody know to be true, what else is Mini Mayor been lying to us about?  A Cleco payoff?  Is this why Mini Mayor is running a poll about David Pugh?  Is there trouble in paradise?  Mini Mayor got his but David Pugh ain't!

Wendy Wednesday!

It's Wednesday, so it must be time for a message from Wendy Roy.

"Hey y'all!  Things have really changed since last week.  Maybe y'all weren't at the crawfish boil at Spirits 2 months ago, but Ken made this really funny joke about how Jacques can be maniacal.  Everybody was laughing except for Jacques and then we were laughing harder because Jacques was playing it so straight.  I mean, he never laughed and then everybody kinda stopped laughing.  Well, Jacques didn't forget that joke and he's been calling Ken 10 times a day and Ken doesn't answer but Jacques just leaves a message where he repeats the joke.  Sometimes Jacques gets that devious little half-grin after he leaves the message and sometimes he's really mad and throws the phone into the couch.

So Ken called back and I answered the phone and Ken said he was so relieved to give me the good news so I could pass it on to Jacques.  I told  him Jacques would call him back but Ken said it was better this way and anyway he was busy writing the news script for KALB tonight and Bret McCormick's piece tomorrow and Paul Carty's opinion for Sunday.  Ken said Ro was having second thoughts about running.  He said Ro wasn't handling the pressure of running again and all the 3 AM calls from Jacques and Chris Sr. and Chris Jr. and Kay and Chuck and David and Mike and Lamar.  And that's when it hit me how lucky I am to be married to Jacques.  Poor Roosevelt isn't a genius like Jacques but the worst thing is Roosevelt doesn't have dedicated followers like Jacques.  I mean, these people will do ANYTHING for Jacques.  They owe their entire existence to him.  You don't think they are working their butts off just to stay in Jacques good graces?  Alexandria is lucky that these people are on pins and needles when Jacques is around.   Kay even told me that she does her best work on her knees!

I called Jacques to gave him the good news but he sounded mad and I heard him yell something to Kay about find that ******* Ken **** and then he just hang up.  That's not very unusual.  Jacques can get really busy and he'll just hang up on me.  Anyway, I had to call him back and when I gave him the news and Jacques just started laughing really loud and he just started yelling Kay!  Kay!  Kaaaaayyy!  and then he hung up again.  So I guess Jacques loved the news."

The Mini Mayor Sociopath Checklist

Surprise, surprise.  Mini Mayor fits every item on the checklist.

1. Glibness/Superficial Charm.  Check.  Mini Mayor is always talking to an imaginary mirror.  He thinks Carty and McCormick adore him because he's  witty, good looking and irresistible.  And then there is Kay Cell.  It also doesn't help that Mini Mayor has surrounded hisself with a bunch of butt kissers.  He's the Man, or so he thinks.
2. Manipulative and Conning.  Check.  Do as I say and not as I do.  Mini Mayor is all about hisself and if you step out a line, look out!
3. Grandiose Sense of Self.  Check.  Mini Mayor is the greatest of all time.  Just ask him or anyone suffering from fetal alcohol syndrome.  Why do you think he has those "briefings" where he is the center of attention and he won't attend the council meetings?  Because he craves adulation and attendance of Carty and Co. 
4. Pathological Lying.  Check.  Really nothing to add here.
5. Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt.  Check.  Have you talked to anyone in Mini Mayor's camp lately?  Instead of friends, Mini Mayor have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and Mini Mayor let nothing stand in their way.
6. Shallow Emotions.  Check.  Dude got upset by a guy on the radio and ran him off. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person.
7. Incapacity for Love.  Check.  From what we here, Mini Mayor's "love" only lasts for 5 minutes at a time. 
8. Need for Stimulation.  Check.  Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal.  Ask around city hall.
9. Callousness/Lack of Empathy.  Check.  When you drive around in a $60,000 Mercedes, drink all the fine wine, eat like a king and pick up a few stray booty calls, its hard to connect with the common folk.  
10. Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature.  Check.  LOL.  KSYL anyone?
11. Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency.  Check.  Mini Mayor was lucky to be part of the Menard Mafia and have the connections he did.
12. Irresponsibility/Unreliability.  Check.  When has anything Mini Mayor promised or said come true?  We still don't have our rebates from Cleco.  HIP ain't gonna happen.  Sugarhouse Road was a no go.  What exactly is SPARC besides a new fire station on Lee and Masonic and a building for the Red Cross?  Fast Track to nowhere.
13. Promiscuous Sexual Behavior Infidelity.  Check.  Ask around town if you haven't heard the latest.
14. Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle.  Check.  Did you ever hear Mini Mayor say he could take a pay cut to help out the budget?  Just how big do you think Mini Mayor's city expense account is?  Do you really think Mini Mayor "works" 8 hours a day?
15. Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility.  Check.  Mini Mayor despises Ro Jo, but he's using Ro Jo as his new front man.  Anything to hold onto power.

Jacques-y Horror Picture Show

Anybody who doesn't think that watching the Mini Mayor's administration is like watching a really bad B-movie horror film, please email us and explain why.  We like to call Mini Mayor's 4 year administration the Jacques-y Horror Picture Show.  What, you don't see the similarities?  OK.

1 -  Just like Rocky Horror, it's a cult classic.  At least among the cult of fetal alcohol syndrome types and Spirits crowd.  Jacques-y Horror Picture Show is much better watching with a beer.

2 -  Based on what our friends at city hall tell us, Mini Mayor does his best "work" (wink, wink) around midnight.

3 - A criminologist tells us the Rocky Horror story, we gonna need a criminologist to document Mini Mayor's crimes.

4 - Mini Mayor exists in a "Time Warp" where white liberals have to help "black" peoples cause "black" people can't help themselves and "black" people don't even know how to help ourselves.  We supposed to thank God he gave us Mini Mayor.

5 - Mini Mayor flushed anyone with brains or independent thought from his administration just like how Dr. Frank N Furter killed Eddie the brain donor.

6 - Mini Mayor has been singing "Rose Tint My World" and trying to force his staff and himself to do a phony song and dance for the public about how great things are.

7 - There are people on Mini Mayor's staff who could be transsexual (you do the math).

8 - Mini Mayor thinks he has magical powers and can make anything work, but it always goes horribly wrong.

9 - With rumors that the FBI is in town, there is a "Sword of Damocles" hanging over Mini Mayor.

10 - Dr. Evil has pulled a silent coup by setting up Ro Jo for the mayor's race and Mini Mayor is sold on "I'm Going Home".  No matter how bad Mini Mayor's brief reign has been, the Spirits crowd will always think of his administration as a bunch of "Super Heroes".

Mini Mayor Will Not Seek Re-Election

NEWS   FLASH  !!!!!

Jacques Barack has been working the phones all night and our sources say that with Roosevelt Johnson entering the Alexandria mayor's race, Mini Mayor will not seek re-election to a second term.  Is the evil reign over?  NO!  Our sources say that the plan is for Mini Mayor to use Ro Jo as a puppet and will run Alexandria behind the curtain.  Our sources say that Mini Mayor has talked to his staff and assured them that they will have a place in Ro Jo's administration.

We know Ro Jo aint gonna win, so whatever.

Dr. Drew's High Heeled Chicken

These scribblings were found in a dumpster outside Dr. Drew Pinsky's office in Los Angeles.  We don't know if it is a coincidence or not, but Jacques has made official city visits the Los Angeles.

Owee.  Look at me.

Tweedle dee dee.

I thought I was a rooster,

but now I'm a roaster.

You can put lipstick and heels

on this rubber chicken,

But I'm still ugly as sin

And can't take a lickin.

Chicken to bone,

I'm Lil Lord Fauntleroy's clone.

In 2006 I set the trend,

Now I'm afraid this is the end.

Look at me, Mr. Fancy,

I don't care if me a pansy.

Jacques Roy is the boss

And my salad Chuck can toss.

My vocab is so dy-no-mite,

Its taller than my height.

On the mike I can blow,

Talkin more than Fidel Castro.

I got my Whip,

and I'm balzak hip.

Pullin 100 large

as Man in charge.

But Alexandria is broke

Cause my spendins on coke.

Trying to buy votes

Like BP rentin boats.

Owee.  Look at me.

Tweedle dee dee.

Jacques the Vote

Is really a goat.

They Don't Sell Moonpies at Spirits

Too bad.

Jacques Barack Exclusive: Photo from Cleco Case

Jacques Barack just obtained this behind the scenes picture of Alexandria's legal team working on the Cleco case in 2009.  Jacques is on the left and that's Junior on the right.  It was originally submitted to Paul Carty at the TT, but he refused to publish it after Mayor Bling Bling threw a tantrum.  We already gave you Junior, but you still think you can name one attorney on the case other than Bridgett Brown?  That's what we thought.

Go Or No Go?

Confusion rains supreme reading Ruling lets Alexandria move ahead with downtown hotel plan.

This is good for Jacques M. Roy and HIP:

The city of Alexandria on Wednesday won its battle with Capital One Bank in bankruptcy court regarding the Alexander Fulton Hotel.

U.S. Bankruptcy Court Judge Henley A. Hunter ruled that the city had "sole authority" to lease or sell the Alexander Fulton and that Capital One's claims to the hotel through a leasehold mortgage had been "rejected and terminated."

This is bad for Jacques M. Roy and HIP:

If the ruling survives potential appeals, it allows the city to proceed with its downtown hotels agreement with Hospitality Initiatives Partnership, a group of three partners who will take over ownership of the Alexander Fulton and the Hotel Bentley, which has been shuttered since 2004, as well as assume management of the city-owned Alexandria Riverfront Center.

This is also bad for Jacques M. Roy and HIP:

Chuck Johnson, however, said the city fully expects that Capital One will choose to file an appeal, which would be heard by U.S. District Judge Dee D. Drell. Another appeal could then head to the 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals.

"I expect them to appeal," Chuck Johnson said. "They said all along that they were. That's not a surprise."

And this is a totally baffling statement:

Alexandria Mayor Jacques Roy said Wednesday's ruling removed the final hurdle before the city in its downtown hotels agreement with Hospitality Initiatives Partnership.

"We identified the problems to the public, we explained them thoroughly, we outlined a plan of action, and the plan was carried out. Of course, this paves the way for the deal to have removed from its path the largest and last remaining structural (legal) obstacle. We are pleased and will move forward."

HIP will be taking our money, so what is bad for HIP is good for us.  Jacques M. Roy said this deal couldn't survive another two months.  If Capital One appeals hold up the deal longer than May, how did yesterday remove the final hurdle to the HIP deal?