Mini Mayor's Dysfunctional Family of So-Called Executives

Lamar "working"

The second highest reading on the Mini Mayor Misery Index is Lamar White.  But it's not just Lamar White, its the entire dysfunctional family of city executives that Mini Mayor hired.  Do you think these people do any work?  They don't.  Kay Michiels has spent her last 6 months shaking down contractors for contributions to the Mini Mayor for Mayor campaign fund.  How else you think Mini Mayor could buy that billboard?

What is Kay Michiels' job?  Mini Mayor needs money.  No problem.  Call a bunch of city contractors.  South Alexandria needs Sugarhouse Road?  Forget about it.  But you can trust Madiba when I tell you that Kay Michiels does "work" after hours.  I hear its here best "work".

Can anybody tell me what Chuck Johnson does besides flirt with contract attorneys and run up big expense reports?  Champagne and cocaine.  Is it true that the men's restroom on the second floor of city hall says Chuck spends his PM with A.M.?  Whatever could that mean?

Mike Marcotte might as well work for CLECO.

David Crutchfield has another fulltime job and is rarely at city hall working.  Check the records if you don't believe Madiba.

Lisa Harris - Jack of all Trades, Master of None.

Lamar.  Do I even need to add anything?

And then there's Mini Mayor himself.  If a camera isn't on, he ain't "working".

How To Act At A Candidate Forum

Politically Dead Man Walking

The Men of Kappa Alpha Psi are holding a mayor's forum at city hall tonight.  We offer this advice to Mini Mayor on how to improve over the last forum where he lied and politically died. Ken Luneau charges $300 an hour for this advice, but we doing it free of charge.

1)  Show up.  This is really important.  If you want to look like you care, then attend the event.  Don't turn your nose up like you did the NAACP.

2)  Sit where you are supposed to sit.  This  shows that you have respect for your hosts and that you can follow the rules.

3)  Don't argue with the moderator.  See #2.

4)  Don't act like African Americans make you sick.  There are 4 other candidates in the mayor's race.  They are all African Americans.  You will probably have to sit next to one of them.  If you have to, grin and bear it so you don't look like the racist you are.

5)  Don't bring Bradley the Bodyguard.  He makes you look like a paranoid little freak of a hairball.  And reminds us what a coward you really are.

6) Don't have Bradley the Bodyguard throw the camaraman out the room.  See #5.

7)  Don't have Kay Cell throw the camaraman out the room with your wife there.  Very disrespectful to your wife.  Careful were your eyes are when Kay Cell walks around the room.

8)  Don't make your staff take seats from citizens who want to see the candidates.  Shows how scared and paranoid you are.

9)  Don't tell any lies.

10)  Forget 1-9.  No way you can NOT do any of this, so just skip it and start your midnight staring into the mirror a little early tomorrow night.

Mini Mayor And Quasi Need A WoW Break

Put down the World of Warcraft, boys. It's just a game. It's really affecting your judgement.

Mini Mayor's Fantasy

Mini Mayor was talking about Sun Tzu the other day.  Too much World of Warcraft will do that to you.  This is an interesting story about Sun Tzu:



One legend of Sun Tzu's life goes as follows: The king of Wu tested Sun Tzu's skills by commanding him to train a harem of 180 concubines into soldiers. Sun Tzu divided them into two companies, appointing the two concubines most favored by the king as the company commanders. When Sun Tzu first ordered the concubines to face right, they giggled. In response, Sun Tzu said that the general, in this case himself, was responsible for ensuring that soldiers understood the commands given to them. Then, he reiterated the command, and again the concubines giggled. Sun Tzu then ordered the execution of the king's two favored concubines, to the king's protests. He explained that if the general's soldiers understood their commands but did not obey, it was the fault of the officers. Sun Tzu also said that once a general was appointed, it was their duty to carry out their mission, even if the king protested. After both concubines were killed, new officers were chosen to replace them. Afterwards, both companies performed their maneuvers flawlessly.


OK, Mini Mayor.  We get the message - the beatings will continue until morale improves.  That's a great management style Mini Mayor.  Maybe Kay Cell knows about Sun Tzu too?

Why Quasi Don't Want Mini Mayor Yardsign

To: Ro.Jo@boxorox.dum

From: Quasi@butterbean.eat

Dear Ro Jo,

I have been wanting to contact you for some time.  I greatly admire the way that you wield the gravel.  Very impressive!  It reminds me of the way that I handled CLECO.  Look who's laughing now!  Although you are the City Council President, I feel that we have a lot in common.  Heck, Jacques often says the only person he has ever met that could match wits with Ro Jo is me.  That's why I'm writing you.  As you know, the last poll that Jacques conducted showed him losing to you and David Pugh and Von Jennings.  We both know that Von is going to clean house and that would be real bad for us.  I really like being the Utility Director because the pay is great and the perks are great.  Man, I would really miss these perks!  I am just now reaching level 10 of World of Warcraft and making it to level 20 is going to require me to raise my game.  If I had to re-enter the job market, that could put my WOW level in serious trouble!  I also like the free lunches.  I want you to know that I will make a great Utility Director for a Ro Jo Administration.  Or not.  If Mini Mayor does actually win.  But he probably won't.  So let's be friends!

Your buddy,

Quasi

Reader Mail - Things That Make You Go Hmmm

We got this email from a reader last week. Citizen journalism at its finest. We edited the names to protect the innocent.

I live in the general vicinity of (Quasi). After I read your story about (Ken Luneau) maybe working for (Ro Jo) I thought it was odd that (Quasi) doesn't have a (Mini Mayor) sign in his yard. There are other (Mini Mayor) signs on (Quasi's) street, but none in (Quasi's) yard. Things that make you go Hmmmm.

Hmmm, indeed. Why Quasi don't want to advertise for his meal ticket? Unless......

Quasimodo 2011

Quasi 2011

We haven't talked about Quasi in a while, but he's been makin some noise about Smart Alex which is a handout to some FORS (Friends of the RoyS).  Quasi also been spending time defaming Betty Jones.  Quasi is as useless as every other Mini Mayor gold digger.  So, enjoy this Friday afternoon glimpse into the future of Quasi.

Employees Do Fear Reprisal

Mini Mayor's Two Mouths

Mini Mayor is a lying hypocrite.  Mini Mayor was talking the other day about how employees shouldn't fear reprisals for afterhours activities.  Yeah, OK, whatever.  Here's what Alexandria employees do fear:

Speaking out against Mini Mayor about anything

Calling into a radio station that Mini Mayor watches like R. Kelly watches kids at a daycare

Publicly speaking out about Fetal Freddy blogging all day at work and taxpayers paying for it

Publicly discussing the sleeping around at city hall and Mini Mayor's affairs

Publicly discussing the messed up Half Moon Productions movie "deal" and the utter stupidity of Bill Hess

Publicly talking about Ken Luneau and Mini Mayor ghost writing articles and editorials for the Clan of the To-To

Publicly disclosing the messed up details of the HIP deal

Publicly speaking out on Mini Mayor's staff free lunch program paid for by taxpayers

Publicly speaking out about Mini Mayor's backroom meetings with Cleco

Revealing details of the messed up closed door meetings of the city council

We could go on, but you get the point.  Mini Mayor wanted Fetal Freddy to print that hit piece on EMS, but when Ken Luneau found out about it, they shut it down.  Listen to what Fetal Freddy is telling you.  That is what Mini Mayor is saying to Fetal Freddy.  It was no mistake what Fetal Freddy wrote.  It would be a mistake if any Alexandria employee wrote something less than worshiping His Most High and Hopeless Mini Mayor.

Another Tweet from Joker to Mini Mayor

Oh, I forgot to tell you earlier that Heffling says your interview is set for next Friday.  I'd hire you without all the dog and pony show, but my boy Heff says we gotta do it by the book.  Heff says you can bring Trey the Parrot, but we ain't hiring him.  Heff said you can bring Kay Cell too if you need a (wink) reference (wink, wink).  And tell Quasi I'm still working on an interview for him.  Gotta tell you not a lot of people can stomach being around that dumb freak.  Why don't you try making him Ho So's problem.  I see that you and that piece of aged bolognie have got really close, so try to get something out of his foul mouth.  I'll be showing off my new license plate in Dallas next Friday, so you're on your own with Heff!

Joker Strikes Again - Madison Unit 3

Hey, Mini Mayor, how do you like the sound of Madison Unit 3?  I know, I know, you like the sound of crisp greenbacks and don't worry, I've got the usual on the way.  Too bad you're a sell out.  You see, I've got the money AND THE POWER.  He he he.  I mean, I've literally got the power.  Mess with the Joker and you might get shock of your life!  Hubba, hubba, hubba!

You think they're going to name a power station after you?  A pot bellied single term Mini Mayor and his grotesque sidekick Quasimodo?  Not hardly my little penguin like friend.  Sure, I can't go out in direct sunlight and people confuse me for an albino, but I've got the money and I've got my name all over the place.  And chicks really dig names and money.  I'm not talkin bout the lame Alexandria round the way girls you got here.   I'm talkin the real deal.  Hot women in Hotlanta, the Metroplex and NYC.  Do you know how impressed the party girls are when you show them pictures of YOUR plant with YOUR name on it?  Well, my little pot bellied friend, that's one thing you'll never know.

Gotta go!  Gotta tell my secretary to change my license plate and cellphone to "CALL MU3".  That way all the blondes that I run into, ahem, can remember me!

Wendy Wednesday!

It's Wednesday, so it must be time for a message from Wendy Roy.

"Hey y'all!  Things have really changed since last week.  Maybe y'all weren't at the crawfish boil at Spirits 2 months ago, but Ken made this really funny joke about how Jacques can be maniacal.  Everybody was laughing except for Jacques and then we were laughing harder because Jacques was playing it so straight.  I mean, he never laughed and then everybody kinda stopped laughing.  Well, Jacques didn't forget that joke and he's been calling Ken 10 times a day and Ken doesn't answer but Jacques just leaves a message where he repeats the joke.  Sometimes Jacques gets that devious little half-grin after he leaves the message and sometimes he's really mad and throws the phone into the couch.

So Ken called back and I answered the phone and Ken said he was so relieved to give me the good news so I could pass it on to Jacques.  I told  him Jacques would call him back but Ken said it was better this way and anyway he was busy writing the news script for KALB tonight and Bret McCormick's piece tomorrow and Paul Carty's opinion for Sunday.  Ken said Ro was having second thoughts about running.  He said Ro wasn't handling the pressure of running again and all the 3 AM calls from Jacques and Chris Sr. and Chris Jr. and Kay and Chuck and David and Mike and Lamar.  And that's when it hit me how lucky I am to be married to Jacques.  Poor Roosevelt isn't a genius like Jacques but the worst thing is Roosevelt doesn't have dedicated followers like Jacques.  I mean, these people will do ANYTHING for Jacques.  They owe their entire existence to him.  You don't think they are working their butts off just to stay in Jacques good graces?  Alexandria is lucky that these people are on pins and needles when Jacques is around.   Kay even told me that she does her best work on her knees!

I called Jacques to gave him the good news but he sounded mad and I heard him yell something to Kay about find that ******* Ken **** and then he just hang up.  That's not very unusual.  Jacques can get really busy and he'll just hang up on me.  Anyway, I had to call him back and when I gave him the news and Jacques just started laughing really loud and he just started yelling Kay!  Kay!  Kaaaaayyy!  and then he hung up again.  So I guess Jacques loved the news."

The Mini Mayor Sociopath Checklist

Surprise, surprise.  Mini Mayor fits every item on the checklist.

1. Glibness/Superficial Charm.  Check.  Mini Mayor is always talking to an imaginary mirror.  He thinks Carty and McCormick adore him because he's  witty, good looking and irresistible.  And then there is Kay Cell.  It also doesn't help that Mini Mayor has surrounded hisself with a bunch of butt kissers.  He's the Man, or so he thinks.
2. Manipulative and Conning.  Check.  Do as I say and not as I do.  Mini Mayor is all about hisself and if you step out a line, look out!
3. Grandiose Sense of Self.  Check.  Mini Mayor is the greatest of all time.  Just ask him or anyone suffering from fetal alcohol syndrome.  Why do you think he has those "briefings" where he is the center of attention and he won't attend the council meetings?  Because he craves adulation and attendance of Carty and Co. 
4. Pathological Lying.  Check.  Really nothing to add here.
5. Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt.  Check.  Have you talked to anyone in Mini Mayor's camp lately?  Instead of friends, Mini Mayor have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and Mini Mayor let nothing stand in their way.
6. Shallow Emotions.  Check.  Dude got upset by a guy on the radio and ran him off. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person.
7. Incapacity for Love.  Check.  From what we here, Mini Mayor's "love" only lasts for 5 minutes at a time. 
8. Need for Stimulation.  Check.  Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal.  Ask around city hall.
9. Callousness/Lack of Empathy.  Check.  When you drive around in a $60,000 Mercedes, drink all the fine wine, eat like a king and pick up a few stray booty calls, its hard to connect with the common folk.  
10. Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature.  Check.  LOL.  KSYL anyone?
11. Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency.  Check.  Mini Mayor was lucky to be part of the Menard Mafia and have the connections he did.
12. Irresponsibility/Unreliability.  Check.  When has anything Mini Mayor promised or said come true?  We still don't have our rebates from Cleco.  HIP ain't gonna happen.  Sugarhouse Road was a no go.  What exactly is SPARC besides a new fire station on Lee and Masonic and a building for the Red Cross?  Fast Track to nowhere.
13. Promiscuous Sexual Behavior Infidelity.  Check.  Ask around town if you haven't heard the latest.
14. Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle.  Check.  Did you ever hear Mini Mayor say he could take a pay cut to help out the budget?  Just how big do you think Mini Mayor's city expense account is?  Do you really think Mini Mayor "works" 8 hours a day?
15. Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility.  Check.  Mini Mayor despises Ro Jo, but he's using Ro Jo as his new front man.  Anything to hold onto power.

6 Out Of 10 Think Mini Mayor Was Bribed

Uh, hello.  Is this the FBI?  Yeah, we were just calling to see when y'all gonna drop the hammer on Mini Mayor?



MINI MAYOR RECEIVED A PAYOFF FOR THE CLECO DEAL.

Yes   31 (62%) No   19 (38%) Votes so far: 50 Poll closed

You'd be smilin' too if you got the Benjamins from Cleco.

Jacques-y Horror Picture Show

Anybody who doesn't think that watching the Mini Mayor's administration is like watching a really bad B-movie horror film, please email us and explain why.  We like to call Mini Mayor's 4 year administration the Jacques-y Horror Picture Show.  What, you don't see the similarities?  OK.

1 -  Just like Rocky Horror, it's a cult classic.  At least among the cult of fetal alcohol syndrome types and Spirits crowd.  Jacques-y Horror Picture Show is much better watching with a beer.

2 -  Based on what our friends at city hall tell us, Mini Mayor does his best "work" (wink, wink) around midnight.

3 - A criminologist tells us the Rocky Horror story, we gonna need a criminologist to document Mini Mayor's crimes.

4 - Mini Mayor exists in a "Time Warp" where white liberals have to help "black" peoples cause "black" people can't help themselves and "black" people don't even know how to help ourselves.  We supposed to thank God he gave us Mini Mayor.

5 - Mini Mayor flushed anyone with brains or independent thought from his administration just like how Dr. Frank N Furter killed Eddie the brain donor.

6 - Mini Mayor has been singing "Rose Tint My World" and trying to force his staff and himself to do a phony song and dance for the public about how great things are.

7 - There are people on Mini Mayor's staff who could be transsexual (you do the math).

8 - Mini Mayor thinks he has magical powers and can make anything work, but it always goes horribly wrong.

9 - With rumors that the FBI is in town, there is a "Sword of Damocles" hanging over Mini Mayor.

10 - Dr. Evil has pulled a silent coup by setting up Ro Jo for the mayor's race and Mini Mayor is sold on "I'm Going Home".  No matter how bad Mini Mayor's brief reign has been, the Spirits crowd will always think of his administration as a bunch of "Super Heroes".

Mini Mayor Will Not Seek Re-Election

NEWS   FLASH  !!!!!

Jacques Barack has been working the phones all night and our sources say that with Roosevelt Johnson entering the Alexandria mayor's race, Mini Mayor will not seek re-election to a second term.  Is the evil reign over?  NO!  Our sources say that the plan is for Mini Mayor to use Ro Jo as a puppet and will run Alexandria behind the curtain.  Our sources say that Mini Mayor has talked to his staff and assured them that they will have a place in Ro Jo's administration.

We know Ro Jo aint gonna win, so whatever.

Quasi Feels Left Out

I can't believe the Cleco honchos get to go to New York and party like rock stars and I only get to go to a meeting in Lafayette like 4 times a year.  That's the story of my pathetic life.  I heard they had some nice hookers in New York. Maybe some that would be interested in me, but I don't think I have enough cash.  The best I could probably do is a lap dance at a swanky gentlemen's club.

I know some people think being utility director is a great job and all, but compared to Cleco it ain't nothing.  I mean, how does $90,000 compare to those guys?  And after Jacques is gone, so am I.  I mean, Cleco can thank me for getting that deal done.  I never understood what all the criticism was about.  Whatever Cleco put on the table, I backed it.  No questions.  I just accepted what they told me.  Good thing I was ultra cool with the Cleco guys.  I never demanded anything from them and I never accused them of anything.  Jeff Hall said we were tight and Mike Madison told me that as far as he was concerned, he couldn't think of any else he'd rather have as Alexandria's utility director.  He kept repeating that over and over and laughing, so it must have been a big deal.  I think I'll write him a letter.

Dear Mike,

You have said some wonderful things about me.  That impressed me a lot that you were impressed by me.  Your impression of me is impressive.  I mean, I'm impressed by your impression of me.  Very impressive.  I would like the opportunity to impress you more.  Let's do lunch at Spirits and let me impress you again.

Yours impressively,

Quasimodo