How To Act At A Candidate Forum

Politically Dead Man Walking

The Men of Kappa Alpha Psi are holding a mayor's forum at city hall tonight.  We offer this advice to Mini Mayor on how to improve over the last forum where he lied and politically died. Ken Luneau charges $300 an hour for this advice, but we doing it free of charge.

1)  Show up.  This is really important.  If you want to look like you care, then attend the event.  Don't turn your nose up like you did the NAACP.

2)  Sit where you are supposed to sit.  This  shows that you have respect for your hosts and that you can follow the rules.

3)  Don't argue with the moderator.  See #2.

4)  Don't act like African Americans make you sick.  There are 4 other candidates in the mayor's race.  They are all African Americans.  You will probably have to sit next to one of them.  If you have to, grin and bear it so you don't look like the racist you are.

5)  Don't bring Bradley the Bodyguard.  He makes you look like a paranoid little freak of a hairball.  And reminds us what a coward you really are.

6) Don't have Bradley the Bodyguard throw the camaraman out the room.  See #5.

7)  Don't have Kay Cell throw the camaraman out the room with your wife there.  Very disrespectful to your wife.  Careful were your eyes are when Kay Cell walks around the room.

8)  Don't make your staff take seats from citizens who want to see the candidates.  Shows how scared and paranoid you are.

9)  Don't tell any lies.

10)  Forget 1-9.  No way you can NOT do any of this, so just skip it and start your midnight staring into the mirror a little early tomorrow night.

Monday Mel

It's Monday and that means more advice from Mini Mayor's soulmate, Mel Gibson.

Jacques, hey man, I know you're like me, bro. I love beavers. Beavers I can control.  Using my subconscious voices from deep within me.  Think of this beaver like your new Lamar.  But unlike Lamar, this beaver has a mind of its own.  Scary.  Evil beaver.  Who needs Ken Luneau?  You could bring this thing to your next briefing and it could answer questions for you. Bet you get some crazy looks with that one. Bret McCormick might crap hisself. Then Carty could clean him up and write about what an important staff member the beaver is.  The To-To won't tell anybody the beaver is a hand puppet.  Have the To-To said anything about Ken yet?  Nobody the wiser bro. You could make this thing your attack beaver (no offense to Kay). The next time Herbert Dixon crossed you, he'd have to fight with the beaver. The next time you and Ro Jo get into it, the attack beaver could sit between you and Ro Jo.  Then you wouldn't have to be scared of Ro Jo.  You wouldn't look like a little b**** like last week because the beaver is there to protect you.  That attack beaver could debate Ro Jo. Hell, a single cell amoeba could debate Ro Jo and win.

Reader Mail - Things That Make You Go Hmmm

We got this email from a reader last week. Citizen journalism at its finest. We edited the names to protect the innocent.

I live in the general vicinity of (Quasi). After I read your story about (Ken Luneau) maybe working for (Ro Jo) I thought it was odd that (Quasi) doesn't have a (Mini Mayor) sign in his yard. There are other (Mini Mayor) signs on (Quasi's) street, but none in (Quasi's) yard. Things that make you go Hmmmm.

Hmmm, indeed. Why Quasi don't want to advertise for his meal ticket? Unless......

Where Was Kenny?

Kenny advising Ro Jo

Mini Mayor's political clout is crumbling like  Sugar-house road.  In Mini Mayor's moment of greatest need, Kenny AKA Dr. Evil abandoned Mini Mayor. You don't think Dr. Evil is jumping ship to Ro Jo, huh? Eyewitnesses have reported to us that this was the scene at city hall:


Kay Cell (running around): Anita! Where's Ken!

Anita: Maybe in his office? Or Lamar's office?  He didn't leave a forwarding. Maybe try his cell phone.

Kay Cell: I'm watching the closed circuit feed and Jacques is dying!  Do you have the emergency med pack?

Anita:  You mean Jacques Lithium, Kay?

Kay Cell:  Well I'm not talking about the f****** bandaids Anita!

Anita:  Jacques took the emergency med pack away from me.  He accused me of stealing some of it.

Kay Cell:  (gasp)

Anita: (ignores Kay Cell and returns to opening mail)

Kay Cell: (running through the halls) Ken! Are you here? Lamar?

Mike Marcotte: (steps into hallway) Kay, if you're looking for Lamar, he's "working from home" (makes air quotes with both hands) again today.

Kay Cell: (heavy sarcasm) Great, Mike! Hope your game of Mah Jong goes well for ya!

Mike Marcotte:  Whatever Kay.  Good luck with Sugarhouse Road or Stockyard projects.

Kay Cell: Chuck! Chuck! Somebody! We've got to save Jacques! Ken is MIA!

Chuck Johnson: (awakens from napping and steps into hallway)  What's all the noise?

Kay Cell: Jacques is in trouble! His talking himself into a hole and Ken isn't there to hit the KILL switch!

Chuck Johnson: Hmm. I wonder if Ken is still with Ro?

Kay Cell: What do you mean! Why is Ken talking to Ro?

Chuck Johnson: They meet almost everyday now since about a month ago. Have you tried calling or texting Ken?

Kay Cell: Ken is blocking my calls and texts after "The Incident".

Chuck Johnson: Oh, yeah, "The Incident" (smiles).

Kay Cell: Chuck, don't laugh now. Call Ken.

Chuck Johnson: (still smiling about "The Incident") OK, OK. Here, look, I'll text him. "WRU@"

Chuck Johnson: Hmm. That's funny.

Kay Cell: What?

Chuck Johnson: I got an auto reply back. It says, "Ken Luneau is busy working on the mayor's race and will not be available until after 2".

Kay Cell: How could Ken be working on the mayor's race if he's with Ro?

Chuck Johnson: Hmm. (cracks a wide grin) Well, it's time for lunch! See you later.

Kay Cell: Poor Jacques. He really needed Ken today. Jacques is really gonna need a pick me up to get over his briefing.  I don't think the Lithium can do it.  I'll have to think of what I could do to cheer him up. This afternoon is gonna suck.

Employees Do Fear Reprisal

Mini Mayor's Two Mouths

Mini Mayor is a lying hypocrite.  Mini Mayor was talking the other day about how employees shouldn't fear reprisals for afterhours activities.  Yeah, OK, whatever.  Here's what Alexandria employees do fear:

Speaking out against Mini Mayor about anything

Calling into a radio station that Mini Mayor watches like R. Kelly watches kids at a daycare

Publicly speaking out about Fetal Freddy blogging all day at work and taxpayers paying for it

Publicly discussing the sleeping around at city hall and Mini Mayor's affairs

Publicly discussing the messed up Half Moon Productions movie "deal" and the utter stupidity of Bill Hess

Publicly talking about Ken Luneau and Mini Mayor ghost writing articles and editorials for the Clan of the To-To

Publicly disclosing the messed up details of the HIP deal

Publicly speaking out on Mini Mayor's staff free lunch program paid for by taxpayers

Publicly speaking out about Mini Mayor's backroom meetings with Cleco

Revealing details of the messed up closed door meetings of the city council

We could go on, but you get the point.  Mini Mayor wanted Fetal Freddy to print that hit piece on EMS, but when Ken Luneau found out about it, they shut it down.  Listen to what Fetal Freddy is telling you.  That is what Mini Mayor is saying to Fetal Freddy.  It was no mistake what Fetal Freddy wrote.  It would be a mistake if any Alexandria employee wrote something less than worshiping His Most High and Hopeless Mini Mayor.

Mini Mayor Has The Red Ass

Mini Mayor's existence requires your submission.  You must love the Mini Mayor.  He is the sole reason for your existence.  You must worship the Mini Mayor.  A moment with Mini Mayor is seeing the face of God.  Hey, Jacques, we say get over your little self.  You are a little, little, little man afflicted with a bad case of self-love.

Mini Mayor would love to shut down Jacques Barack.  The fact that we get 5 times the traffic of Fetal Freddy's Freakshow Blog and that we expose Mini Mayor's many shortcomings is too much for little Mini Mayor.  Of course, Mini Mayor still has Faithful Fetal Freddy by his side.  The only people who feel comfortable around Mini Mayor are people who hate themselves, so what does that say about Fetal Freddy?  He gets to listen to Mini Mayor foaming at the mouth about Jacques Barack.  Good thing Fetal Freddy enjoys all of Mini Mayor's bitching, he's gonna hear a lot more of it.

Day Three: Lift Your Voices

Jacques Barack has been preparing y'all to stand up for a better Alexandria. Well, what better time than now? A member of Mini Mayor's staff took the liberty of dissing people who have been trying to help this city. This same person, Fetal Freddy, attacked Von Jennings earlier this month.

This isn't what we want city hall to be. We want good people of character working at city hall. We want people who are interested in serving the community, not tearing it apart. Please, no more attacks. And it's time for someone in Mini Mayor's circle to stand up and be held accountable. If enough of us demand it, Mini Mayor will have to listen.

So today we call on our local blogging community to condemn the heinous actions of Fetal Freddy and to ask Mini Mayor to fire him. And we ask our readers to email Mini Mayor at jacques.roy@cityofalex.com or call 449-5000 and leave a message with Anita Boddie that Fetal Freddy should be fired. If we don't demand a change, there will never be a change.

Day Two - Fire The Trust Fund Freak

If there is a poster child for the dysfunction of the Mini Mayor Administration, it is Fetal Freddy. This trust fund freak lives in a McGovernite fantasyland where unicorns roam the gently sloping hills, eating up cancer and defecating skittles for everyone to enjoy. This trust fund freak thinks he is the highest form of intellectual consciousness. He thinks his s*** and Mini Mayor's s*** really is skittles. In reality he is a leech. He costs Alexandria taxpayers $60,000 per year to be Mini Mayor's bitchy little mouthpiece. We are tired of it. We want some accountability from Mini Mayor's Administration. We call on Mini Mayor to fire Fetal Freddy if only to save $60,000 in the Alexadnria budget. Of course, if Fetal Freddy was any kind of man, he would offer his resignation to Mini Mayor today.  Then he could buy his unicorn dolls with his own money, not ours.  What do you think? Vote in our poll.

Mini Mayor's Attack Drunk

attack drunk /n./: a person noted for harsh, personal, and usually public verbal attacks against others . Example: The mayor sent his attack drunk to defame his former clients and current political opponents.

Fetal Freddy Playbook Used On Mini Mayor

Just like a rich, spoiled kid to be tramplin on the Constitution.  Look, Fetal Freddy, in this country you are innocent until proven guilty.  But what do you go off and do?  Calling people cowardly bigots.  Start accusing people of things and issuing ultimatums that they are guilty unless they publicly deny your accusations.  You really are a messed up little freak.  Simon Legree, Hitler, Stalin, Bull Connor, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein, Kim Jong Il, Mini Mayor and Fetal Freddy.  That's bad company, punk.

Maybe Mini Mayor would like a taste of Fetal Freddy's medicine.  Using Fetal Freddy's playbook, here are some things we will believe until Mini Mayor publicly denies them.  Just remember, we fightin Fetal Freddy's fire with a little fire of our own.  If you can't stand the heat in the kitchen (ask your momma for the rest, we're tired of giving your dumb*** free advice).

1 - Mini Mayor received money under the table from Cleco or Cleco shareholders to drop the lawsuit.

2 - Mini Mayor knew about all of the levee deficiencies long before he was mayor.

3 - Mini Mayor was the levee board attorney because of his family connections in Avoyelles Parish.

4 - Mini Mayor's dad is the levee board attorney because of his family connections in Avoyelles Parish.

5 - Mini Mayor's brother tried to cut St. Landry parish out of the levee board power structure to gain more Roy family influence over the corrupt levee board.

6 - Mini Mayor has had sexual relations with his Chief Operating Officer also known as Kay Cell.

7 - Mini Mayor has had sexual relations with a lot more than Kay Cell and his wife.

8 - Mini Mayor and his family and friends have received personal gifts from HIP in exchange for rewarding the bid to HIP.

9  - Mini Mayor will not sue Rapides Regional for cutting the Bayou Phillips Levee because Mini Mayor's wife rakes in a salary of over $100,000 from the Rapides Foundation.

10 - Mini Mayor has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

11 - Mini Mayor has a family history of alcoholism and mental illness.

12 - Mini Mayor takes anti-psychotic medication to function normally on a daily basis.

13 - Mini Mayor visits a therapist monthly to deal with his mental disorders.

The next mayor briefing would be a great time for Dr. Evil to let Mini Mayor deny these truths.  We hope Fetal Freddy is sitting in Mini Mayor's lap as Mini Mayor sets the record straight.  Dr. Evil with one arm up Mini Mayor's back and Fetal Freddy sittin in his lap.  Priceless.

Fatman Mini Mayor and Fetal Freddy

Would You Trust Your Daughter With This Man?

Dr. Evil.  Look at him.  Hated by mirrors worldwide.  Women have been known to cross the street just to avoid being near him.  Can't even control his own appetite, but he can control Mini Mayor.  You think Mini Mayor calls the shots?  Please, people.  Mini Mayor is a pawn in Dr. Evil's stranglehold on Alexandria.  Now Dr. Evil has begun testing on his newest experiment, Robo Ro.  A vote for Mini Mayor or Ro Jo is a vote to keep Dr. Evil and his rich cronies stranglehold on your city.  We can avoid the Apocalypse, people.  Wake up and open your eyes!  Tell Dr. Evil to stay away from your children and your city.

Mini Mayor Loses Big To David Pugh and Ro Jo

Little known fact - half of the articles that appear in the To-To are written by Dr. Evil.  Don't look surprised, people.  Wake up!  You are pawns in the petty little power games that Dr. Evil and his cronies use to keep control of Alexandria.  Do you really believe that the council is more to blame for Alexandria's sad state of affairs or is it the lazy pathological Mercedes Benz driving Mini Mayor?  If you think Myron Lawson runs the city or keeps Dr. Evil from having his way, then check yourself into a mental clinic ASAP.  And if you really think that 8000 people voted in the To-To's mayor poll, you are beyond the help of any mental care professional.  For those of you who know better, there is Jacques Barack.  We run our own independent polls.  Polls that Dr. Evil, Mini Mayor and Fetal Freddy can't manipulate without detection.

GIVEN THE CHOICE BETWEEN MINI MAYOR AND DAVID PUGH,

I prefer the lying unethical paranoid Mini Mayor.	9 (15%)
I prefer David Pugh.	50 (84%)

Change your vote

Votes so far: 59
Poll closed

GIVEN THE CHOICE BETWEEN MINI MAYOR AND RO JO,

I prefer the lying unethical paranoid Mini Mayor.	11 (34%)
the dumb as Charlie Sheen Robo Ro Jo.	21 (65%)

Change your vote

Votes so far: 32
Poll closed 

Wendy Wednesday

It's Wednesday, so it must be time for a message from Wendy Roy.

"Hey guys, this is still "Mindy", Wendy's friend.  Wendy's been real busy with the new baby and all.  This has been a stressful time for poor Wendy.  I mean, being pregnant ain't easy and being married to Jacques ain't easy either.  The fundraiser for Jacques that she worked on didn't go well and everybody knew and then Jacques Barack posted her phone number on the website and you know the rest.  And all this while she was carrying Jacques baby and people been talkin bout Jacques and Kay and you know the rest.  And Jacques bid to be the Democratic nominee against Rodney Alexander failed and you know the rest.  And Jacques poll numbers have been real bad and now this David Pugh thing and you know the rest.  It all came to a head when Ken showed up in the delivery room and suggested that Jacques consider naming the baby Ken.  He didn't say it with a chuckle or anything.  He just had that same straight face he always has with those tinted pervert glasses he wears.  I swear he's always looking at my boobs!  Anyway, Ken had this whole your first born belongs to me attitude and Jacques was listening to Ken like Ken was a god and Jacques was just nodding while Ken was talking and Wendy finally freaked out and started yelling that it was her baby and they both need to leave now and Jacques could just go s*** Ken's d*** somewhere else cause she didn't want to watch and you know the rest."

Wendy Wednesday!

It's Wednesday, so it must be time for a message from Wendy Roy.

"Hey guys, this is still "Mindy", Wendy's friend.  Wendy's still layin low cause Jacques has really got his freak on.  Boy is crazy retarded.  Wendy went back to the house to pick up a change of clothes and I had to go with her and it was last Thursday night and Ro Jo's announcement was on the news and Jacques had the TV turned up really loud and Jacques was dropping F bombs like it was Afghanistan.  "Look at this f***ing idiot! Look at me Alexandria! I'm Ro Jo the sock puppet! Unf***ingbelievable! Ken spent 3 weeks with this f****** moron and he sounds like he's reading a f***ing fortune cookie! F***! F***! F***!"  Then Jacques got a preview of the latest poll he commissioned. I wasn't there but Wendy said it was F bomb city. Apparently Jacques numbers got worse since the first poll and those were really bad.  Jacques was really pissed about losing to David Pugh in head to head poll.  Hopefully this will help Jacques make up his mind and Wendy and I can get back to a normal life."

Poll Results - Readers Think Mini Mayor Will Run

Our readers don't believe us.  And, yeah, we saw that Fetal Freddy was stuffing the ballot box again, but not enough to sway the result.  We admit the Mini Mayor has been giving off some mixed signals.  Maybe he will run, but having Ro Jo run too is not what Mini Mayor wanted.  He has only himself to blame as Dr. Evil can't wait around for Mini Mayor's mental constipation.

IF RO IS RUNNING, I THINK MINI MAYOR

will not run.	7 (25%)
will run too.	20 (74%)

Votes so far: 27
Poll closed 

Now we gonna have some real fun.  Just think of all that money that Mini Mayor just wasted on his last poll.  We haven't heard the numbers yet, but he couldn't get above 40% on his first poll.  Less than 40% for a sitting mayor?  This paranoid little freak of a hairball is in serious trouble.  We gonna do our own polls with some of Mini Mayor's questions.  And Fetal Freddy, we'll be looking out for you.

Decepticons: Dr. Evil And The Return of Robo Ro

 

Did y'all see Robo Ro on the steps of City Hall last Thursday?  Robo Ro was in prime form.  No matter what happens, Robo Ro can use these three answers for any situation:

1 - This is a great day for our city, our community and our citizens.

2 - Working for a better Alexandria.

3 - Face some tough challenges.


Yeah, Dr. Evil has trained Robo Ro just to get him this far.  It's been quite a transformation, if you know what we mean.  But what happens when Robo Ro goes off script?  It can get REAL UGLY.

Vote

Mini Mayor couldn't make up his mind so Dr. Evil trotted out Plan B otherwise known as the Ro Jo Domestication Project.  Now Mini Mayor is angry that Dr. Evil and Ro Jo want to upstage the world's most brilliant and beautiful politician.  Mini Mayor is trapped.  Dr. Evil is spending time on his new pet project and Mini Mayor is all alone.  Mini Mayor don't want to run but he's got this legacy thing to worry about.  So know Mini Mayor is conducting a poll to see what his chances are.  We don't need to pay anybody for a poll.  We know what Mini Mayor's chances are if Ro Jo runs since Ro Jo is more of an anti-Mini Mayor vote than anything else.  That's what the Jacques Barack council collectively thinks.  What do you think?  The poll is to  the right.

Wendy Wednesday!

It's Wednesday, so it must be time for a message from Wendy Roy.

"Hey guys, this is Wendy's friend.  You can call me Mindy.  Wendy's layin low cause Jacques is on the warpath.  See, Jacques thought he convinced Ken to pull Ro out, but now Ro is going all in on the mayor's race.  Well, y'all know how Jacques gets when he's angry.  I kinda think Jacques bodyguard is there to protect the people around Jacques.  I've told her several times how he can be, but you know how some girls are.  They are blind to their man's anger issues.  I've told her a thousand times, if you ever need a safe place to hide out, c'mon girl!  I sure hope Jacques can make it to Friday without any problems.

Majority Believe Ro Jo Not As Smart As Kato Kaelin

A box of rocks may be not match for Ro Jo, but a majority think Kato Kaelin is his intellectual superior.  People, when we chose Kato Kaelin, we were choosing the dumbest non-retarded person we could think of.  Wow.  These results are bad.  Thanks for everybody participating.  Dr. Evil has been checking these results everyday.  Now we hear that he is considering pulling Ro Jo out of the race.  Here are the final poll results:


I THINK RO JO IS SMARTER THAN

a 5th grader.	1 (4%)
Kato Kaelin.	2 (8%)
a box of rocks.	21 (87%)

Votes so far: 24
Poll closed 

Head Fake?

 

What up with all the disinformation Alexandria?  We're getting some conflicting news and our sources is confused and Dr. Evil is laughing.  First, thanks to all of you people who been emailing us telling us that Mini Mayor is gonna run.  We hear ya.  We may not agree but we hear ya.  But then we've been hearing that Ro Jo is backing off of his fax to KALB.  Maybe Ro Jo wasn't serious?    The Jacques Barack tribal council has been sending emails back and forth and, basically, we think the Ro Jo fax to KALB was a Dr. Evil trail ballon.  That's right.  A trial ballon.   Dr. Evil wanted to test Mini Mayor's reaction and it wasn't good.  Mini Mayor is one jealous gang banger and he couldn't stand having someone else be in front of the camera.  Dr. Evil also wanted to test Ro Jo.  Uh, Ro Jo failed.  See our poll results.  Is it goodbye Robo Ro and hello Mini Mayor?  Keep the info coming at jacquesbarack@gmail.com.  It's confidential.